


Here We Go 'Round Again

by asingerofsongs, MayGlenn



Series: Stars and Skies [8]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Plays An Instrument, FN-2187 - Freeform, Finn is An Adult, Flashbacks, Frank and Open Discussions About Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Massage, Music, Nightmares, Poe Plays the Guitar, Poe is a Pathological White-Lie Teller, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Resistance Jam Session, Sex Education, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-05-31 23:14:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6491347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asingerofsongs/pseuds/asingerofsongs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayGlenn/pseuds/MayGlenn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>FN-2187 was startled to full awareness from a dead sleep by a siren.  It was loud, and jarring, and for his life he couldn't figure out why they were under attack, but if he didn't get to his station in about a minute with his uniform on, Phasma was going to assign him to guard duty until he was too tired to stand up—and then he'd get in trouble for falling asleep on watch.  He tried to sit up and found himself pinned by something—or someone—and that was very expressly not allowed. He panicked, shoving the man off of him and backing up to the wall. What was happening?</p><p>Who was this guy? Why wasn't he concerned about the sirens?  FN-2187 decided to ignore him—if he wanted to get in trouble, that was his choice, but FN-2187 liked getting to sleep regularly, and he really liked getting to eat regularly, too. He shoved his apparent bunkmate (and where were the others?) away from him and got up, looking around for his armor.</p><p>“Finn?” Poe tried, but the blank, stern look in Finn’s eyes told him all he needed to know. </p><p>Poe shrank against the far side of the room. He wasn’t Finn right now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Picks up a whole hour after Rey leaves on Jedi Business in ["A Better Second Date."](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6375379)

FN-2187 was startled to full awareness from a dead sleep by a siren.  It was loud, and jarring, and for his life he couldn't figure out why they were under attack, but if he didn't get to his station in about a minute with his uniform on, Phasma was going to assign him to guard duty until he was too tired to stand up—and then he'd get in trouble for falling asleep on watch.  He tried to sit up and found himself pinned by something—or someone—and that was very expressly not allowed. He panicked, shoving the man off of him and backing up to the wall. What was _happening_?

Poe started awake at the fire alarm an hour after falling back to sleep once they said goodbye to Rey, and there wasn't a test due so he moved to his elbows to get up—and then he was on the floor, cussing. "Force damn it, Finn!" he grumbled, rubbing his elbow where it cracked against the floor after Finn had pushed him literally out of bed. After a moment, the PA came on:

"Please disregard. Testing the alarms."

Poe wilted. "Oh thank the stars. Wanna go back to sleep," he whined, trying to crawl back into bed, trying to push Finn back to lie down. "Hey, hey, we still got time, go back to sleep. Didn't you hear? Test."

Test? They didn't do _tests_. And who was this guy? Why wasn't he concerned about the sirens?  FN-2187 decided to ignore him—if he wanted to get in trouble, that was his choice, but FN-2187 _liked_ getting to sleep regularly, and he really liked getting to eat regularly, too. He shoved his apparent bunkmate (and where were the others?) away from him and got up, looking around for his armor.

“Finn?” Poe tried, but the blank, stern look in Finn’s eyes told him all he needed to know.

Poe shrank against the far side of the room. He wasn’t _Finn_ right now.

Nothing scared Poe like Finn in one of his—flashbacks? regressions? What do you call this except Twenty Years of Stormtrooper Conditioning Doesn’t Go Away Overnight—and it stung that it happened _the second Rey left_ , like she was to Finn what Finn was to him—but this wasn't about Poe.

"Bee, c-could you lock the door and change the code please?" He whispered as calmly as he could, and BB-8 plugged into the wall immediately. "Ah, F-Finn?" Poe tried, getting to his feet and stepping up behind him, but not too close. He was shaking, but coiled to fight. The blaster was under the bed, but hopefully Finn didn't know that.

FN-2187 whirled to face the person behind him. "Where are our uniforms? Why aren't you moving faster? You're going to get in trouble," he hissed.

Poe's breaths came in quick gasps. Finn didn't look right. His eyes were all wrong, dark and mean and not-Finn, and it scared the fuck out of him ( _you're an idiot, how could **you** possibly matter more than twenty years of First Order brainwashing, he's going to kill you someday and you're going to **let** him_ ).

"I—" This sometimes worked, but Poe had to get it together first: "Return to your bunk, trooper," he said, as forcefully as he could manage, hating himself. "Go back to sleep or I'll put you on report. Your rotation isn't for three hours."

"The _siren_ is going off, rotation doesn't _matter_." How did he not know that? He should know, unless he was very new to this, and if he was, he certainly had no place telling FN-2187 what to do. That was right: Slip was dead. They were going to get a new guy. "Look, you're new—whatever—but that siren means we go to stations, in armor, with weapons. And if we don't, we get put on report and don't sleep and barely eat until Phasma has decided we've learned our lesson. So stop messing around and help me find the uniforms," he said reasonably. Phasma had told him to quit watching out for other soldiers, but he just...couldn't. Not if he had the option to try to help.

Something in Poe twinged in sad hope: even if he didn't know who he was, Finn was trying to _help_ him, in his own fucked up stormtrooper way. Even FN-2187 wasn't a complete shithead.

But Poe couldn’t take it anymore.

" _Finn_ ," Poe said, and grabbed Finn's face without warning and kissed him. He didn't expect that to work, exactly, but he was ready for the counter-attack.

FN-2187 didn't _want_ to hurt this guy, but he was beginning to think he wasn't even a stormtrooper, and that meant he was an intruder. FN-2187’s suspicions were confirmed when the man lunged for him, and training took over. He took advantage of the man's proximity, grabbing his arms and shoving him away and hooking a foot out from under him so he toppled backwards.

"Finn! Finn!" Poe cried, blocking the worst of the assault on his forearms but unable to keep Finn from laying him out. "Force damn it, Finn, it's me!" he cried, scrambling up, but Finn only renewed his assault with a few quick, deft punches. Desperation gave Poe new strength, or at least agility, as most of the blows glanced off his arms, but he was immediately aware that Finn had absolutely been holding back on the mat, and that terrified Poe.

He was dating a killing machine.

No! No, he wasn't, he was dating _Finn_ , a gentle brainwashed young man who needed his help and now had him in a chokehold because Poe had gotten distracted or weak or Finn really was that good and things were going slightly hazy around the edges—

 _ZAP_!

Finn dropped like a load of bricks, unconscious.

Poe gasped, coughing, crawling out from under Finn's limp form. BB-8 placed himself in between them, chattering worriedly. Poe took a deep breath. ‘It’s okay, BB-8,’ he meant to say, but instead he burst into tears.


	2. Chapter 2

Finn woke up feeling like he'd been run over by an X-Wing. He was on the floor, for some mysterious reason. "Poe?" he asked, trying to sit up and managing an uncoordinated flail instead.  Poe was several feet away, and flinched away from Finn (and, Maker, was he _crying?)_ , on the other side of a nervously wobbling BB-8 who waved his shocker threateningly in his direction.

It took Finn only a moment to guess what must have happened.

"Oh, no," he said, scrambling up the rest of the way and backing up until his back hit the bed.

He had attacked Poe. It hadn't been a strange, bad dream at all.

Poe was still curled up in one corner, BB-8 beside him, trying to pull himself together to help his boyfriend who had just experienced an awful flashback, who had just been _tased_ , but before he could actually get it together, Finn was suddenly awake, and Poe couldn't help flinching, giving everything away.

"Finn?" he asked, pressing his palms across his cheeks as Finn scrambled away. "Oh, hey, no, Finn. It's okay," he said, crawling after him. "Y-you with me, buddy? We're okay, everyone's okay, just a little shaken." Poe held out his hands placatingly, feeling like he was approaching a wounded acklay.

"Don't," Finn grated, flinching away from Poe's reach. He was pretty certain he was back now, but he'd had no warning about the...whatever that was...in the first place. What if it happened again if Poe touched him?

"Hey, hey," Poe said, sitting down close to Finn, but not touching him. "You're okay. It was the alarm, I think. You're back now with me, right, buddy?" BB-8 edged nearer too.

"Yes, but—" Finn eyed both Poe and BB-8, and then looked back down at his hands. They were shaking, and it had nothing to do with wherever he'd been moments ago. "I didn't know you, did I?" he asked softly, confirming the worst rather than actually curious.

Poe pressed his lips together. "N-no," he said, letting it out in a rush like he had meant to be lying and only barely got the truth out. He edged closer. He wanted to take Finn's hands in his, to keep them both from shaking. "You didn't. And that was— _rough_ , but you were trying to protect me, even though—well, until you thought I was a—um—" Maybe he shouldn't have said that last part. "Finn, please?"

"Until I thought you were what?" Finn asked, still staring at—and a little bit through—his hands. He didn't move away from Poe, partially because there was nowhere to go, and partially because he wasn't sure he wanted to. But he couldn't quite bring himself to move any closer, either. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” Poe said, though he’d probably have some bruises bloom later that he’d have to explain. “I’m fine. Just scared me, is all. Finn—” Poe tried moving nearer, but Finn tensed:

"What if it happens again?"

What if he seriously injured Poe? Or worse?

Poe took a breath as he slid up next to Finn, holding his breath like he was jumping into a lake. When Finn didn’t try to fight him or flinch, he guided Finn into an embrace, as much for himself as for Finn. "It's not going to—" he started to say, but he winced. This was already the second incident. "If it happens again, we'll deal with it. Oh, Maker, Finn," he gasped, letting out a shudder that bordered on a sob as he gripped Finn tight. "I thought I'd lost you. I _did_ lose you."

Finn was still shaking, but Poe seemed to be shivering as well—what a pair they made. But he let Poe hug him as tight as he wanted, curling as close to him as he could now that Poe had closed the distance between them. He was so, so tired of all of this—the nightmares, the panic attacks, the flashbacks—and of not being able to predict them, or make them stop, or _stop hurting his boyfriend_.

"I'm sorry, so sorry, Finn," Poe murmured, pressing his lips against Finn's shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Poe,” Finn gasped, hugging him as tight as he could. “I can’t keep doing this to you.”

Poe shook his head and grunted. "Don’t apologize. This is not your fault. I'm here. I've got you." He was absurdly grateful that Finn hugged him back. He almost thought he wouldn't.

Finn buried his face against Poe's chest and focused on breathing until he stopped shaking, something that Dr. Kalonia had taught him at one of his first meetings with her. With Poe's heartbeat in his ear, it was easier than when he was alone, especially when BB-8 bumped against his knee and stayed there, emitting a soft purring noise. "I think...I think I have to tell the doctor about this," he whispered. "I'm a danger to the Resistance."

"No, you're not." Poe bit his lip. "It was probably just a fluke," he tried, though Finn's sense of honor and responsibility made his heart swell. "Maybe wait. It's only nightmares and nothing has happened while in combat or with...anyone but me," he said, with a sad kind of realization. He rubbed his hand lightly over Finn's back, avoiding the scar. “And I can handle it.”

"But it might, Poe. Just because it hasn't doesn't mean it won't, and if any of them get hurt because of me..." he shuddered at the idea. "I can't risk my squad. I _can't_."  His voice shook slightly, begging Poe to understand.

Poe nodded, heart aching. "I know. I also know you won't let them get hurt," he gasped, squeezing him tighter, like it was a contest. "You're a good man, Finn," he said, and kissed his shoulder, but he said it almost sadly.

"Pfffff," Finn said, "I don't _want_ to tell her. But I have to. Not _that_ good." He shifted a little into a more comfortable position, and snaked one arm out from around Poe. He took one of Poe's hands and interlaced their fingers before bringing both of their hands to his chest. "Why do you still trust me?" he asked, sounding tired but very interested in the answer.

Poe pulled back, and laughed a little, mirthlessly, ready with a one-liner that he...that he wasn't actually ready with, as Finn's earnest gaze took all the react-to-stress-with-sarcasm out of him. “Why do I trust you,” he repeated, half to himself, and thought about it. At this point he probably looked like a glutton for punishment. He looked at his fingers interlaced with Finn’s pressed against Finn’s bare chest.

"I trust you because...” he sighed, “because my heart is more fragile than my body," he let out in a rush, embarrassed as he found himself speaking truths he hadn’t even admitted to himself yet, and he chewed his lip. "Because I _need_ you, like I hope you need me. You—what happened just now, it scared the hell out of me, but it scares me more to think of that happening to you without me here." He swallowed and looked up. "Because I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I'm not letting go of you for anything," he said fiercely.

"You—" Finn started. "You're amazing," he managed, wrapping his arms around Poe and burying his face in his shoulder. "And I love you more than—than anything I can think of," he mumbled into Poe's shirt. "And everything I can't." He peppered Poe's neck with kisses.

"You shameless flirt," Poe said with an effort at a smile, holding Finn tight and turning his head to meet the kisses with his lips. "I love you. You're worth it. You're so worth it." He kissed him deeper.

Finn would have liked to stay there snuggling and kissing Poe all morning, but he had meant it about talking to Dr. Kalonia, and if he didn't do it soon, he was going to lose his resolve. "What time is it?" he asked when they paused for breath.

"I don't—hm? Does it matter?" Poe said, and only when he got a good look at Finn's face did he see how serious he was. "You're really going to..." Poe didn't finish, but stood and helped Finn to his feet. He straightened Finn's shirt and handed him his jacket after he had stepped into his boots. "Want me to go with you?"

"...Yes please?" Finn said as he pulled the jacket on. "And then we can eat," he added. Just like any other day—like he hadn't forgotten who he was and attacked his boyfriend instead of waking up like a normal person.

"Okay," Poe agreed with a smile, for both of them. "And, maybe later you'll let me...we could get in the ‘fresher and you'll let me take care of you, maybe?" He tugged on his boots and his own new jacket.

Finn nodded, leaning over to kiss Poe again, a quick peck this time. "Yeah. I mean, _maybe_ , if you're _lucky."_   He gave Poe a small smile. "You coming, BB-8?” he asked the little droid, who was being uncharacteristically quiet. "Hey, buddy. I'm not mad at you. You did what you had to, huh?" he asked. He crouched down. “You’re not scared of _me_ , are you?” BB-8 swiveled their head up to look between him and Poe and gave a small but confident whistle. "Going to assume that means they’re okay."

"Yeah, yeah, they’re fine," Poe said. "We need to get you learning binary."

They stopped at the door to the medical wing. "You don't have to do this," he said again, taking Finn's hands. "We can wait, it might not happen again."

"I'm not telling her to take command away from me forever. I'm just telling her for right now...I'm not sure I should be commanding anyone," Finn said. “Poe, imagine what would happen if I turned into a stormtrooper again in the field—like when I was manning that anti-aircraft—”

Poe drew a hand over his eyes, imagining himself, BB-8, and Black One going up in smithereens. “Okay, okay, message received,” he ground out.

Finn sighed and squeezed Poe's hand before sticking his head in Dr. Kalonia's office. "Dr. Kalonia? I know I don't have an appointment today, but...I think I need to talk to you," he said.

Dr. Kalonia looked up from her computer, and seeing the look on Finn's face, she cleared her desk. Poe waited in the hall. "Of course, Mr. Finn. Sit down. Is this an official visit?"

Finn shrugged one shoulder. "Maybe? I uh...I kind of had a...thing...this morning." He wrung his hands a little in his lap. "I woke up and didn't know who Poe was."

Dr. Kalonia frowned, writing something in a notebook. "Do you mean, like memory loss?"

"No? I just thought I was back on the _Finalizer_. I thought I was a...stormtrooper, still. Poe said he thinks it was the fire alarm. I think I thought it was a battle station alert." He should probably have asked Poe for more information about what he'd said. He still didn't remember most of it.

Dr. Kalonia nodded, waiting before she voiced her thoughts. "Do you mind if I ask Commander Dameron about this?" When he shook his head, she went on: "Why are you telling me this, Sergeant?"

Finn sighed unhappily, but this was why he'd come here, after all. "I don't think I should be in charge of my recruits in the field, at least until this problem stops happening," he grumbled.

Dr. Kalonia blinked, and wrote that down. "I thank you for your honesty, Sergeant," she said, and was silent for a long time. "I think your decision is the right one—for now. You understand I will file an official report—the General will need to know."

"Y-yeah. I understand. What...do I do, in the meantime?" he asked. He hadn't thought through this that far at all. Maybe he could learn binary or help the pilots work on their ships when they needed repairs or maintenance. Or... "Can I still train recruits? Even if I can't go on missions?"

Dr. Kalonia was already filing the report on her computer. "I can recommend Restricted Duty. You can still work with the recruits, if you feel that's safe or appropriate to your abilities. You will still attend meetings and briefings. I could declare the timeframe—indefinite. When you tell me you are ready, or if I recommend you take up your duties again, I can revoke this at any time." She looked up. "It would still need to be approved by General Organa, or at least Major Ematt."

Well, there was that at least. He wouldn't be completely cut off from what he'd been doing, and the recruits wouldn't have to adapt to a new instructor. "I am confident I can still train recruits," he told the doctor. "Guess I don't have much choice about the rest, right? It's better than not being able to do anything at all." He smiled, but it felt a little tired.

"It's not optimal," Dr. Kalonia said, shifting her attention back to Finn. "We need to focus on getting you through this. The Resistance needs you, Finn. I will open up our next meeting to discuss this issue. In the meantime, I recommend keeping busy. Be with friends, be with Poe. I will assign you some readings to broaden your horizons. I want you to learn. I would recommend you start training for the Commissioned Officer track, if you're interested, to give you a goal and remind you that you are working toward Active Duty." She paused. " _Is_ Commander Dameron all right?" she checked, since she had heard about the bloody nose incident.

"He says he is. BB-8 zapped me before I could do any damage. I was stunned, and when I woke up, everything was normal." He leaned back in the chair, closer to the door, and turned to look over his shoulder. "Hey, Poe, you still out there?" he asked loudly.

Poe was crouched in the hallway, quietly chatting with BB-8, but he stood quickly as Finn stuck his head out. "Yeah?" he said, stepping cautiously inside.

"Well, if you're here, and you don't mind, Finn: Commander, are you doing all right?"

Poe looked warily between them, but for Finn's sake didn't put up a fight. "A bit shaken up," he answered.

"Could you sit down? Tell me—in your own words—what happened this morning?" Dr. Kalonia asked.

Poe winced, looking at Finn. "I—Finn, are you sure...?"

Finn shrugged again. "No? But...it seems important. I've survived worse, huh?" he said, and smiled wryly. BB-8 had trundled in with Poe, and he bent down to rest his hand on their domed head. BB-8 started purring, that weird mechanical buzzing sound he made, and Finn smiled softly.

Poe turned back to Dr. Kalonia: he couldn't look at Finn. "He, ah, we woke up at the alarm, tried to get out of bed. I didn't know what was going on at first but he was, like—well it seemed like sleepwalking. He was dreaming with his eyes open. And, um, I think he was looking for his armor, told me to hurry up. I, ah, tried ordering him, because that worked the last time—"

Poe's face went white. "Uh, I mean I just _guessed_ that might work."

Fuck.

“ _Last_ time?" Finn asked before the doctor could get a word in. He didn't remember any other times.  He didn't even remember waking up after having strange dreams. "How many?" he asked, trying to ignore the sinking feeling he was getting in the pit of his stomach.

"I—only once! It was really no big deal. You were—you just—you woke up and didn't know who I was and Itoldyoutogobacktosleepandyoudid!" Poe blurted out, speaking to Finn now, and speaking so quickly that Dr. Kalonia couldn't keep up. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I thought it wasn't—wasn’t a big deal. I mean, you didn’t even get me in a chokehold last time and—uhh—I mean—”

“A _chokehold_ , Poe?!”

" _Thank_ you for telling us now," the doctor said, interrupting the fight and sounding a bit annoyed, but that was about par for the course when talking to her _favorite_ patient. "Could you go on, please? You tried ordering him—to sleep? And that did not work?"

Poe sighed, shooting a kicked-puppy look at Finn. "I, ah, yeah. And—and then I got stupid. I tried kissing him, and that made him...fight me. That’s when the choking happened, but look, I’m not even—I’m fine." He swallowed. "BB-8 tased him and—and he woke up and he was fine. Barely remembered."

Finn looked down at his hands. He hadn't known that Poe had tried kissing him and that's what had set him off. It was probably better—if he had known, he wasn't sure he would have let Poe anywhere near him. “I thought I'd had another bad dream," he added to Poe's explanation.

"I'm glad you both came here," Dr. Kalonia said. "And I encourage you to talk about this more with each other—perhaps after breakfast," she recommended. "If you don't have anything else to tell me—either of you—I’ll file my report and speak to the General personally. We'll move your appointment up to tomorrow if that's all right, Finn? Tomorrow at 1400."

"I don't have anything," he said, and looked over at Poe, who shook his head. "Thanks, Dr. Kalonia," Finn said as they stood to leave. "I'll see you tomorrow, then." He looked over at Poe and raised his eyebrows in question. "Breakfast now?"

"Yeah..." They walked in silence down the hall until Poe couldn't take it any more, and he grabbed Finn and pulled him into a side corridor. "Finn, look, I’m sorry. I didn't—I meant to tell you about that other—incident—but I didn't want to hurt you and now I had to hurt you anyway and tell you in front of her and I'm sorry this happened I'm sorry I can’t help you I’m sorry _I'm not enough_ to stop the nightmares or any of this," he said. He had meant to be hugging Finn through this but all he got to was just gripping his jacket desperately. "Finn, I'd do anything to help you half as much as you help me, and—I just—I _love_ you, and I'm sorry."

Finn rested his hands gently on Poe's wrists and, when he was done talking, moved his hands to his shoulders and pulled him forward, tucking him under his chin and hugging him tightly. "Poe. Aw, Poe, it's alright. You...you had your reasons," he said. "Dumb reasons," he added with a laugh. " _Talk_ to me if that happens again.  I'd rather know. I need to know." He put a hand on the back of Poe’s head, scratching very gently for a moment before he stopped. "I love you. It's not going to change."

Eyes shining with hope and love he would never be sure he deserved, Poe turned to kiss Finn's neck. "Thank you. I know. I—I’ll tell you. I promise. I love you, too. Thank you. I love you." He licked his lips, wanting a kiss, but last time he tried this he got hit and now hesitating meant he was afraid to try to kiss him again, _but he wasn't_ , so he surged forward to kiss the corner of Finn's mouth.

"Mmmmm," Finn hummed, turning his head just slightly so he could get a better angle to kiss Poe some more. Eventually he leaned back and pulled Poe back in the direction of the cafeteria.


	3. Chapter 3

They ate breakfast as usual, Poe eating a little less than normal and pushing Finn to eat a little bit more than normal. They had one briefing to go to, together, which was nice, and they got to pretend everything was normal because Dr. Kalonia clearly hadn't spoken to the General yet, and then they had the rest of the day off.

"Wanna hit the ‘freshers?" Poe asked, his eyes a bit playful but not too wicked. He'd had plans of course, for when Rey left, but those needed to be put on hold. "Let me...pamper you a bit?"

"A refresher would be nice," Finn answered, because they both needed it, even if only on an emotional level.  He still felt guilty, too, about attacking Poe, and he was pretty sure he could convince him to let him wash his hair. It wouldn't completely fix everything, but it would go some of the way towards it, at least.

Poe smiled, offering Finn his arm, even though the soldiers whistled and the pilots cooed at them as they made their way out of the mess hall. "Doesn't need to be long," he said when they were back in their room and stripping (casually this time, as they had been naked in each other's presence enough now), "I'd just like to be clean and I want to—touch you, to make sure you're—really here, with me? And to make sure you know you're here," Poe added, reaching out to splay his hand over Finn's heart, to feel it pumping under his palm. Then he took his hand and led him, backwards, into the washroom and under the warm spray, smiling invitingly.

"I'm here. Right here, with you," Finn hummed, reaching up to gently touch Poe's face, brushing a thumb over his mouth. "You're really wonderful, you know?" he asked, and leaned forward to press his lips to Poe's, making a quiet, needy sound that he tried to stifle.

Poe had been inches away from biting Finn's thumb, so it was probably good he moved it and replaced it with his lips instead, and Poe moaned and enjoyed the kiss thoroughly. Already the incident this morning felt like years ago, and he wanted it further. "Right here," he echoed, gasping as they kissed. His hands were already wandering over Finn's body, rubbing his arms and his back and down to his ass, giving both cheeks an eager squeeze before— "Sorry, sorry," he said, pulling back, lifting his hands. "Got carried away. Bathing suit rules. Washing! I was going to wash you," he corrected, giving his hands something else to do, like lather up the sponge and at least grope Finn with _purpose_.

Finn yelped softly in surprise when Poe got more handsy than he'd been expecting—he didn’t exactly _mind_ , though he was still nervous about things going much further—and gave him a narrow-eyed look that he then ruined with a grin. "Let me wash your hair when you're done?" he asked.

"You shouldn't reward me for bad behavior," Poe said with a wink, but he kissed Finn and washed him carefully and reverently, gentle with his back, and he didn't even try his feet this time. 

"It was only _sort of_ bad," Finn responded, feeling flustered that now he _wanted_ Poe to touch him there again. He also didn't flinch anymore when Poe washed his back, even when he got near the scar—in fact, he found himself dozing as Poe took his time. 

Washing Finn was a pleasure, tracing curves and muscles and being rewarded when Finn didn't flinch as he washed the scar tissue, and enjoying the contrast of soap lather with Finn's dark skin, and Poe found himself surprised when there was nothing left to wash unless he wanted to go for another round.

When he was done, Finn pulled him to his feet and kissed him. "Your turn?" he asked, ruffling Poe's wet hair.

Poe grinned, probably like an excited puppy, but he liked to think himself above pretending to be aloof about things that made him happy, so he let his enthusiasm shine. "Please! How do you want me?" He tried turning around and stepping a little wider (okay yes this might look slutty to anyone else but Finn but he was shorter like this so Finn could reach his head easily). "How's this?"

Finn traced a finger along the tattoos on Poe's shoulders before putting shampoo in his hands and rubbing them together. "No falling over," he joked, because Poe sometimes threatened to do that when he touched his hair. He rubbed the shampoo gently into Poe's hair and then scratched his scalp gently, occasionally alternating with carding his fingers through the wet curls.

Poe gasped. "It's weak knees or obscene moaning, take your pick," he said, letting his head fall back as every touch electrified him, made him shiver, and yes, _moan_. "Mm, feels good," he said, and "thank you, thank you," and his neck loosened as every movement of Finn's hands sent his head lolling wherever Finn pushed it. The process was over entirely too soon, even with conditioner, but he was smiling and flushed (and only very narrowly _not_ hard) when he turned around to kiss Finn like he had just actively rescued him from the _Finalizer_ again. "Thank you," he said.

"Thank _you_ ," Finn responded, wrapping his arms loosely around Poe's waist. "The water is eventually going to get cold... Ready to get out?" he asked, nodding toward the main room. The warm water and Poe's gentle touches as he washed him had made him sleepy, but he stifled a yawn, hugging Poe to him briefly. "Much as I'd like to stay in here all day with you," he added.

Poe nodded, rinsing his hair and shutting off the water. "Would you...let me give you a massage?" he asked. "Or just stay naked with me and let me spoil you a bit and...do you know what a massage is?" he wondered suddenly, as he toweled off.

Finn wrapped the towel around his hips and then shook his head in answer to that last question. "Maybe one of those books mentioned it, but I don't remember. What is it?" he asked.

Poe grinned. "I'd like to show you," he said, tousling his hair and tossing the towel aside, standing naked and proud before Finn. "You should—lie down. And stop me if you don't like something," Poe said, already pressing Finn to the bed and sliding on top of him to kiss him. "Okay so far?"

Finn nodded and leaned up to give Poe a kiss before letting his head drop back to the pillow. He wasn't sure, for a moment, if Poe should really be on top of him—not because it made him uncomfortable (Poe did it all the time when they were sleeping), or because he didn't like it, but because he worried it would...set him off again, trigger one of those episodes, since apparently Poe’s attempt to kiss him had made him violent. But clearly Poe wasn't worried, which was somewhat reassuring.  Still... "Sorry," he whispered, aware he was tensing despite having said everything was okay.  "What if..." he started, and then stopped. Did it even bear asking, or was he just being stupid?

Poe blinked, pulling back slightly. "What if...what? Is this okay?" But a quick search of Finn's face told him all he needed to know, and Poe softened. "You're not going to hurt me, any more than I'd hurt you. I've got you, I won't let you hurt me. You're _Finn_. And I want to touch Finn, I want to make Finn feel good, I want to grow closer...to Finn. To you." His hands ghosted over Finn's body, mouth hovering over Finn's mouth. "If you still think there's a danger...you have to let me take that risk."

Finn relaxed, grounding himself in the repetition of his name and in Poe's absolute certainty that Finn wasn't going to hurt him. He nodded, then cleared his throat. "I love you, Poe. So much I don't know how to say it," he told him, and squirmed a little, relaxing into the bed with a small grin.

Poe grinned. "You _do_ say it, though. Every time you kiss me, every time you trust me. You said it when you were washing my kriffing  _hair_ like—so gently it was like you'd never held a blaster before." Poe lowered himself, tucked against Finn's side, and traced the outline of his face with his fingertips. "I want to make you forget all about—that number. I want to make you so happy you can't think of anything but me and you and us." Poe's hand traced down Finn's shoulder, squeezing and rubbing comfortably, and he kissed Finn's temple. "Will you let me try?"

"Yeah," Finn answered, partly hypnotized by Poe's hand rubbing his shoulder. "That feels really good," he told him, and swallowed another yawn. "And I'll try to stay awake," he said, smiling.

"Sleep if you want," Poe said. "I definitely won't do anything wicked while you're asleep," he teased, kissing Finn's nose when he opened his eyes wide. "I'm gonna—start with this," he said, turning Finn's hand palm up and reaching across his chest to scratch the inside of his forearm, gentle, but not tickling, strokes up and down. "That feel good?"

"Mmm," Finn hummed in answer, his hand relaxing and his fingers curling gently toward his palm as still-tense muscles in his arm finally unknotted. It made his fingers twitch of their own accord, and he grinned. " _Really_ good," he added.

Poe grinned. "Good," he said, getting up to straddle Finn's lap, the only thing between them a thin towel, and he turned both arms palm-up to scratch his arms, just as he did before. After a few minutes, he slowly lengthened the movement to go up to Finn's shoulders and down to his wrists, movements slow and measured. He sat far down enough on Finn's lap that the contact was flirty but not obscene, and, when he was sure he could balance, he bent down to take Finn's lips into a kiss, the scratching turning now to rubbing, squeezing, massaging. Poe actively fought against his imagination getting away with him. There would be time for everything else, later. This was all he wanted for now: for Finn to feel safe with him. For him to feel safe with Finn. Things would happen...when they happened, and until then, this was going to just be an extended session of foreplay to Poe Dameron.

As Finn closed his eyes and Poe felt him relax, Poe moved down his body, rubbing his sides and his thighs and massaging his feet very carefully so as not to tickle him. "Gonna roll you over," he whispered, sliding hands underneath Finn to ease him onto his stomach and start the process over again, top to bottom.

Finn groaned softly as Poe found knots and gently massaged them loose, until Finn was sure this was the most relaxed he'd ever been when not in a dead sleep. Weeks ago, Poe straddling him like this would have made him too nervous to relax, but he was becoming very accustomed to sharing his personal space with him—it didn't even occur to him to be concerned. He...kind of liked it, really. He felt safe, protected; nothing horrible was going to happen if Poe Dameron had anything to say about it. Even rolling onto his stomach only made him momentarily tense, and he'd relaxed by the time Poe started at his shoulders again.

And he wanted… _more_. He wasn’t sure what, yet, but this felt good in the same way kissing felt good, something the First Order never wanted him to know about.

Poe wanted to weep at how quickly the tension in Finn's shoulders went away, and he sighed and rubbed a hand over his face before he lost it. He was briefly angry that the First Order had any power over Finn, and yes, it was the selfish wrath of lover's jealousy—but now was not the time for that. Poe added kisses to the regimen, and though he could touch the scar without Finn flinching, he saved the deep tissue massages for everywhere else. He'd meant to pass over Finn's ass but kriff there were knots even there and he was so tight Poe soon forgot the implications of exactly where he was massaging until he was in quite—deep.

Finn held so still while Poe massaged his back that he was half-asleep when he started finding the knots in his lower back, and he didn't drag himself back to full wakefulness until Poe started working with what felt like single-minded focus on the muscles in his backside. It wasn't exactly comfortable—the knots hurt when Poe found them and pressed into them until they released—but he never worked for too long at one knot. Finn was prepared to be a lot more concerned about it than he found he actually was. He was...nervous, maybe, but also content, and happy that Poe was here and close to him. And _this_ felt like _more_. It made him shiver strangely, made him focus on everything below his belly-button and above his knees. It occurred to Finn briefly that this could be dangerous territory they were skirting, but—but no, that was twenty years of brainwashing talking. Here, in the Resistance, it wasn't dangerous territory at all, at least from an official standpoint. He sighed softly, making a conscious effort to let go of that old way of thinking in favor of internalizing what he now knew. This was okay. Whatever these feelings were that he was still processing were okay.

Poe let out a small gasp as the towel slid up—revealing— _everything_ —which was not a bad view at all—but he stopped. "Sorry," he said, pulling the towel back into place because he felt predatory rather than embarrassed. _You were **trying** to get him turned on, weren’t you?_ "Sorry, I—you should have said something." He lowered his hands, working consciously on Finn's legs now. There were knots there, too.

Finn turned his head slightly to glance back at Poe, who looked a little flustered. "Why're you saying sorry? You told me to stop you if I didn't like something, but I didn't _not_ _like_ that." He tried to wrap his brain around the last part of that and sighed. "It didn't bother me," he corrected, to make sure Poe was very clear on why Finn hadn't said anything. "I trust you."

Poe gave a giddy, shaky sigh of relief. "Thanks, buddy," he said, and leaned down to kiss the small of Finn's back. "Thought I was being too...forward. I _was_ being too forward, but I'm glad you didn't...mind?" He worked down Finn's legs, giving each the same care and attention before lying down beside Finn and behind him, almost spooning. "I'm glad you let me touch you. I like touching you, bud," he whispered, breath against Finn's neck and arm loose around his waist.

"I like it when you touch me," Finn said with a smile, taking Poe's hand and pulling it to his chest.  "I don't know how to say it, but. I like knowing that you're here, and that you're safe." There'd been no touching between stormtroopers, except in medical situations, or if someone had to be carried or restrained. Finn rolled onto his back so he could turn his head and look at Poe. "It reminds me I'm here," he told him softly. It was why sleeping with him in the same bed helped so much with the nightmares, he thought.

Poe's eyes crinkled when he smiled this time. "And I'm gonna make sure you never forget," he said, a thinly veiled threat to the First Order and a promise to Finn. He rearranged them so they were tangled closer together, slotting a knee between Finn's legs. He almost asked, right then, if they could—if Finn wanted to—but there would be more time, and he didn't want to rush Finn when he was already vulnerable. Poe was _not_ in this just for the sex (even if he occasionally had to remind himself of this). He did like just touching Finn, very platonically, like this, and he could wait until Finn initiated more, or asked for more. He was here to comfort Finn, as Finn’s presence was a comfort to him.

"Do you want to sleep, or read?” Poe asked conversationally, instead. “Dr. K sent me some books you might want to read," he offered, remembering what Finn had told him about her recommendations, and Poe rather liked the idea of giving Finn an alternative paradigm with which to further shake the hold the First Order had on him. "I could get you the officer's training manuals to start on—if you did want to do that. No pressure. If you want to sleep I'll be right here."

"I could read. Want to help me study training manuals?" he asked. Training manuals would probably turn into a nap at this point, but he couldn't say he minded. He squirmed around until he could rest his head on Poe's chest, smiling at the steady thrum of his heart. There was a reason this was his favorite way to curl up with his boyfriend.

Poe bit his lip as he grinned down at their position. "I could read to you?" he offered. "Or I guess I could prop the datapad up on my face," he offered, and Finn laughed at that. Poe sat up, reaching for his datapad. "Here, start with this one: all the manuals are painfully boring, but this one is at least about troop movements in the field and tactics, stuff you'd be familiar with. Though you'll be tested on your knowledge of all the manuals, eventually." Poe tried propping the datapad up on his chest. "Perfect if I don't breathe." He grinned.

"Breathing is overrated if you ask me," Finn joked, reaching up to hold the datapad at an angle where he and Poe could both read it. "I wonder if the First Order has manuals like this," he said after a little while. "What're the other ones on?"

"Uh, well there's the starship operation and combat one. Officers are expected to know the basics for each branch, so if I had to lead on the ground or order supply or work intelligence, I could, even though my job is to command the fighter squadrons. Not that I remembered much about supply after the test on it," he chuckled, and they read through a few screens.

"Hey, you keep reading, I'll provide background ambience," Poe said suddenly, sitting up and digging out his quetarra from its case under the bed.

Finn looked curiously over at Poe as he dug under the bed and pulled out a stringed instrument.  "You're going to play—an instrument?" he asked, setting the datapad down for a moment to watch as Poe tuned the instrument and picked out a few notes. "I didn't know that's what was in that case," he commented. "Thought it was some...weird weapon or something."

Poe raised an eyebrow as he struggled to tune the strings while distracted by Finn's gaze. "You're the soldier, weird weapons are your specialty." He hummed a few bars, fussing with the tuning when the chords didn't sound quite right. "You don't have to pay attention to me," Poe said with an unexpected blush. "You can keep reading. I'm just going to practice, not, like, perform or anything." There it went, he thought as it got as in tune as he was going to get it, and picked through his scales to warm up.

BB-8 chirped in annoyance.

"No, I don't need a tuner, thanks, Bee, it's—oh Force, _fine_ ," he said, as BB-8 let out a steady, loud tone that Poe knew wouldn't go away until the E string was tuned to the droid's specifications. "Happy?" he barked, earning expectant silence and a lighter thumbs-up.

Finn did his best to go back to reading, but he only got two more screens on from where he'd stopped he realized he was reading the same line over and over and over. He blinked hard, trying to wake himself up, but it felt so nice to close his eyes. He'd just close them for a half a minute or so; it would be fine.

He didn't even get to a minute before he'd dropped off, the datapad thunking to his chest as his fingers went sleep-slack.

Poe huffed a little as the datapad hit Finn's chest, but he didn't stop humming or playing, except briefly, to cover him up with a blanket. He stared down at Finn fondly, grateful for his mere existence, and as he considered his sleeping friend, he knew what song he wanted to sing, strumming a few times to get the key right.

"Wise men say  
Only fools rush in  
But I can't help falling in love with you."

He sang softly at first, but it was hard to get the notes right when he sang quietly, so he grew louder, except the parts where he hummed because he didn't know what verse came next or he wanted to sing another again.

"Take my hand,  
Take my whole life, too  
For I can't help falling in love with you."

When Finn woke up from his impromptu nap, Poe was still playing, singing along in a soft, scratchy voice that did things to Finn's heart. He lay still and quiet and listened to what Poe was singing.

"When I see your face,  
There's not a thing that I would change  
'Cause you're amazing, just the way you are," he sang, and Finn found himself holding his breath.

"And when you smile,  
The whole world stops and stares for awhile  
'Cause you're amazing, just the way you are." 

Poe switched to humming for most of the rest of the song. When both the quetarra and Poe's voice fell quiet, Finn opened his eyes and smiled. "'S that for me?" he asked.

Poe clapped a hand on the strings almost guiltily, and he blushed as he strummed inanely. "Ah—yeah?" And then more confidently: "Everything I do is for you," he said simply. "Well, okay, you and General Organa, sorry," he joked, to throw suspicion off his sappiness. "And my pilots. And Rey, and my dad, and BB-8." He chuckled. "You like it?"

"Yeah. You should sing more," he said, inching up in the bed so he was shoulder-to-shoulder with Poe. "Can I ask a question?" he said, and when Poe didn't answer in the negative, took that for permission. "How come you shave…your body? Is it—is it a uniform requirement, like shaving your beard?" He'd noticed earlier when he'd been washing Poe's hair that there was less hair on his chest and between his legs than there had been the last time they were naked together, and Finn assumed it had to be because he shaved. But the Resistance didn't seem like the sort of group to require it to _that_ extent, not like the First Order.

Poe was pleasantly humming at Finn's compliment, and he was thinking of a new song to sing (really, he should remember that everything was new to Finn and his friend was impressed by anything), so it took Poe a moment to understand what Finn was asking. Poe liked to keep his body hair trimmed if not shaved entirely, as a rule. Getting to civilization for a wax was a rare treat. "Well, do you like it?" he tried, though of course he did it for himself. Poe knew Finn understood subjectivity and aesthetics, and he might have an opinion on the subject, which Poe would take under advisement. "You saw how hairy I get when I don't take care of it."

Finn brushed a thumb against the smooth skin on Poe's chest, and hummed thoughtfully. "I haven't really thought about it. I just assumed..." he shrugged. "You know, it was just...it is what it is." It hadn't really occurred to him that people might have opinions about body hair one way or another. Then again, "Um, except your beard. I _like_ your beard," he said.

Poe brightened. "Well remind me to grow it out, then." He settled back, moving the quetarra aside to look down at himself objectively, since Finn's gaze was quite clinical. "I like it short, yeah. Feels more comfortable, makes me think I look better, even if no one can see. It is kind of stupid.” He sighed. "I guess I do it to feel proud of my body. Kind of like the tattoos. Does that make any sense?" He checked, feeling like he might be losing the ex-stormtrooper.

Finn considered this for a minute. He understood it only in the abstract sense: that Poe chose to shave because he _wanted_ to, not because he _had_ to, for the same reasons people wore their hair different ways or made themselves look different. But it wasn't something he'd ever had to worry about personally. "Sort of. I never thought about it before," he said again. "I think you're attractive. And I love your tattoos," he said, tracing one with his fingers.

"Thanks, buddy," Poe said, slinging an arm around Finn's shoulders and giving him a kiss. "I think you're kriffing gorgeous and you don't have to do a thing to look it! Hey I have an idea, for after you finish that manual," he said. "Snap plays a drum and some of the other pilots have flutes and things. We've had a few jam sessions, but not in a while. What do you say we put some pants on and go play with the group? We could teach you some songs, too!"

"You play music all together? Like a _band_? And you'd _teach_ me?" Finn asked excitedly. "That's fantastic!" He was ready to go right this second, except...well, there were clothes to put on, and supposedly a manual to finish.

Poe laughed, surprised by Finn's enthusiasm. "Oh no, not a band. A pretty terrible band if we were a band. Just a jam session. I'll tell you what, you stay and finish your manual and I'll go bang on some doors, see who I can stir up. We usually occupy the spot just outside the mess hall and light a fire—oh, you'll see!" Poe leapt up to get dressed, hoping he wasn't overselling this. "You'll be okay? BB-8 will stay with you, make sure you finish your manual."

"I'll be fine," Finn reassured Poe as he got dressed.

Finn waved the datapad at him and then went back to reading, BB-8 watching him as if their sole purpose in life was to make sure he did his reading. It was a bit creepy, really, since droids didn't blink. "Hey, Bee, you're kind of freaking me out," he told them, and the little droid rocked back and forth, whistling. "Better.  Much less creepy," Finn told them and smiled when he went back to reading and the whistling continued. He may have rushed the last few screens, but as soon as he was done, he jumped up and pulled on his pants and a shirt (Poe's, which meant it was a little small, because his clothes were mysteriously absent). "C'mon, BB-8! Let's go find Poe!" He practically bounded out the door, BB-8 on his heels.

Poe had dressed in a whirlwind, still tugging on a shirt as he wandered the halls. "SNAP!" he cried, banging loudly on his friend's door.

There was a thud and an annoyed shout. "KRIFF IT, DAMERON, WHAT?" he asked, throwing open the door and rubbing his head. Even though he looked ferocious and huge, Poe didn't blink.

" _Jam session_ , buddy,” Poe said, grabbing his shoulders. “Need your help to cheer up the boyfriend."

Snap nodded, laying a solemn hand on Poe’s shoulder in turn. "You finally had sex and disappointed the hell out of him, didn't you?"

"What? No!" Poe said, acting more offended than he was. "I'm serious, Temmin, _please_ , I need your drum, man, I'll carry it!"

Snap looked bemused. "Okay, okay. Let me just—I was _sleeping_ , Poe."

"I will make it up to you. Cover your shift tomorrow!"

"You're covering shifts for _other_ people, finally?" Jessika said, opening her door across the hall at all the commotion.

"Jess! You got your new flute, right? I need a jam session, seriously, guys. You know they don’t have music in the First Order, Finn’ll love it!"

It took some cajoling, but presently word got out, and an assortment of mostly pilots, but some soldiers and staff, arrived at the "campfire" (it was a heat lantern) outside.

"Let me just go get my quetarra and—Finn!" Poe cried, almost running into his boyfriend in his haste. "I was just about to come get you! You should grab some food before we start."

Finn reached out to steady Poe when he nearly crashed into him and held up the quetarra case with a grin. "You forgot this, so I thought I'd bring it to you," he said, handing it over and giving him a kiss on the cheek. "I’ll get us both some food," he said, and wandered into the cafeteria.

"Oh bless you!" Poe beamed, kissing Finn soundly before letting him wander off. "Will you bring me something fried? And water, please?" Poe called after him before he sat down and began strumming, arguing over set lists with Jess and Nein. BB-8 and a few other droids stood by to project lyrics, chords, and sheet music up for those who needed them.

Finn returned shortly and took one of the two plates he was carrying to Poe—a little bit of most of the fried things they had—and set some water down next to him as well.

"Hey Finn, are you going to join us?" Jess asked, and he waved her off.

"Oh no, I have no idea how to play anything," Finn told her. 

"I'm sure you knew that, Jess," Snap said from behind her, where he was tapping idly on his drum, looking bored that he didn't have anything to tune. 

"I did _not_ ," she retorted, "Anyway, Finn, you should let us teach you," she said, and he grinned. 

"That was the plan, I think."

Poe shook his head. "Don't scare him. We'll let him listen, get him singing first," he said. "Snap, let's you and me do that new one by Figrin D'an, the one about the broken heart."

"I can't believe that guy is still making music," Jess scoffed.

"Come _oooonnn_ , I like singing it!"

"All right, all right, got your six," Snap said, pulling his drum between his knees. "Finn, pay attention. He will make us do it again if you don't."

The quetarra part was pretty, too, Poe thought, and he was already plucking away, making Snap find the rhythm and join in belatedly. The other instruments added themselves where they could, and a few more pilots sang along with Poe:

"And I nearly forgot my broken heart  
It's taking me miles away,  
From the memory of how we broke apart  
Here we go round again."

Finn listened carefully, wondering where the sad song was coming from, since the songs Poe sang before had been about love. But it was an oddly beautiful song, and when it was over, the instruments who hadn't been playing all clapped and cheered and elbowed their friends who had been playing. Finn joined in both the cheering and the jostling, careful not to knock any instruments from any hands, since they looked delicate.

"What was that?" he asked Poe, slinging an arm over his shoulder.

"Oh, just a song I like," Poe admitted, tracing Finn's brow with his fingertips like he was brushing hair back from his face. "And hey, I've had my heart broken before," he whispered, and shrugged. "It makes _you_ that much more important to me."

"It's pretty. Sad, but pretty." Finn gave him a thoughtful look, then stole a kiss while their faces were so close. 

"EW GROSS THEY'RE KISSING," Jess said loudly, and the collected musicians started hooting and hollering again.

In response Poe grabbed Finn's head to pull him into a deeper kiss, but it was full of teeth because he couldn't stop grinning. He joined in the next tune belatedly, something popular that he was sure he had had Finn listen to. "Do you know the words? Do you remember this one?" he asked, leaning close to Finn while he strummed with more passion than skill, and waiting for the chorus to jump in:

"Starships were meant to fly  
Hands up, and touch the sky  
Can't stop, 'cause we're so high  
Let's do this one more time..."

"I know this one!" Finn laughed, joining in on the chorus, which was mostly off-key shouting, despite the backup accompaniment of numerous different instruments that were not off key.

Poe laughed in delight at the cacophony that ended the song, and pulled his quetarra aside to grab Finn and kiss him again.

"Oh my gods," Jess said, shielding her eyes. "Could you _not_?"

"Hey, if they're after each other, that's two men who aren't bothering you," someone pointed out, and Jess considered this.

"Okay, come here, Finn, sit in my lap. We're gonna play quetarra together! I'll do the left hand, you just practice strumming to the beat for me, just brush your fingers across. Yeah. Just like that!"

Finn moved chairs, sitting on the front edge of Poe's, in between his knees. He had some sense of rhythm, which was good, because it meant he was perfectly capable of strumming to a beat while Poe formed the actual chords. "What're we playing?" he asked.

"I don't know what this one's called," Poe said, distracted by Finn's proximity and accidentally leaving him strumming a few off notes as he paid more heed to breathing in the scent of the back of Finn's neck than he paid to the song.

"More playing, less flirting," Snap said, kicking his leg, but Poe paid him no mind.

"Okay, if you want to come try the drums instead of being assaulted, Finn, you let me know, okay, man?" Snap offered.

Finn stayed with Poe for awhile learning quetarra, and then went and sat opposite Snap and learned the basics of hitting drums with his palms (mostly he just enjoyed the noise). Jess taught him some flute, and one of his own soldiers handed him another stringed instrument that was played with a 'bow' and made horrible shrieking sounds when Finn attempted it, to the amusement of everyone in the group.

Once the music wound down and people started drifting off to go on duty or to read or sleep or exercise, Poe and Finn wandered back to their room.

They played a game of holochess (which Finn won) and a round of Go Fish (which Finn also won), and when Finn got sleepy, he went to bed and dragged Poe with him. Once they were snuggled down under the heap of blankets, Finn rolled to face Poe and took a breath to ask a question. Then he stopped. He tried again, and stopped. "I have another stupid question," he managed finally, instead of what he actually had meant to say. “It’s about—when we were—intimate today.”

Poe had been waiting for some time through Finn's false starts, so he smiled patiently. "Hey, you can ask me anything, always, Finn. It makes me happy to help you out." He sat up and tugged off the pants and underwear he'd been forced to sleep in while Rey was here. He laid down again, resting on one elbow. "What about today?"

"Well, because we—I want to—” Finn tried, and then pressed his lips together and released a breath through his nose. “Um, okay, in those books. The ones you let me read. They talked about...well, this thing? That happens?  When you're having sex. Orgasm. And I kind of thought it required two people. But then I was reading another book and that's not what it sounded like because it said something about taking care of it… _yourself_ and I'mreallysorryIshouldalreadyknowthisI'mstupid," he said, starting out haltingly and finishing all in one quick run-on sentence so his embarrassment at knowing only the practical aspects of sex would be over quicker.

"Whoa, okay, back up," Poe said, sitting up, "first of all, where do you get off calling my boyfriend stupid?" he scolded as gently as he could. "That's a perfectly normal question, and especially since two sources gave you conflicting information. That's not stupidity, that's critical thinking. Are you asking about masturbation? Self-pleasure?"

Poe thought he had control of this as a clinical definition, but when Finn nodded, he felt the ground drop out from under him, and was as lost as Finn looked. He paused, getting a little light-headed at the prospect of something he now guessed to be true. "Finn, have you _never_...touched yourself?" Poe would have thought even stormtroopers would have—they couldn't be _that_ well-supervised—how did Finn grow up in the company of thousands of men in close quarters and not...? But he kept these thoughts to himself.

"No...we weren't allowed to—men or women. Nobody was. And the bunk rooms had four people in them, and the refreshers were open..." And you never knew, really, if you could trust your bunkmates not to turn you in, even if you wanted to do that with three other people around. He gave Poe a shaky smile: “And I always followed the rules.”

Poe let out a breath that was half a nervous laugh. "Of course you did," he gasped, unable to focus on the question at hand because of how fucked up it was that Finn had never— "Finn—I—I’m sorry. I'm sorry, I had no idea. I would have—started you with different books or we should have talked more first. Kriff. Okay, um," he rubbed a hand over his face. "Yes, orgasm can happen without another person. Men and women and, well some species don't masturbate and plenty of groups, like the First Order, apparently, think it's morally wrong. Obviously, I'm not in that camp. I think it's good and even healthy for people to make themselves feel good sometimes, when they want to." He took a deep breath. "Was that what you wanted to know, or did you want...details?" _A demonstration?_ he thought with a mad hope.

"I want to not have to ask all these ridiculous questions," Finn grumbled. "I don't know _what_ I want." It had been a long, ridiculous, confusing, and completely overwhelming day. He had maybe wanted an orgasm earlier today, but he barely knew what it was, so Finn buried his face against Poe's shoulder and made a frustrated noise. "I'm sorry." He was aware that he was probably teasing Poe horribly, asking questions like that and then not knowing what he wanted out of it.

"Hey, hey," Poe said, wrapping both arms around Finn and holding him close, kissing his hair. "Don't be sorry. You've had quite the day, and still brave enough to ask me something that made you nervous. I don't want you to be nervous or feel stupid about any of this. You're smart, you're kriffing brilliant, and you're going to be one of our best Generals someday. Asking question is okay, got it? Asking questions is important. You wouldn't have left the Order if you hadn't asked questions." He sighed. "But um, Finn. I do wonder, because, like, so Rey is different and I messed up asking her... Were you ever tempted? Or like, interested?" Maybe Finn was asexual, too?

"Every time you're naked?” Finn said with a grin. “That time you tackled me when we were sparring? Sometimes when you kiss me. Not...you know, that I needed to... _do_...anything about it. I just wanted—more. I mean I'm...interested? But also..."  he sighed. He didn't have the ability to talk about this _at all_. "I do want to—sometime—but not—right now?" He supposed being honest and using simple sentences might be easier. "It makes me nervous."

Poe nodded, relieved at Finn's words. "That's fine, that's totally fine. I figured we were waiting," he said. "Finn, I could wait _years_ for you, so don't worry about me." (Whether he thought Finn should wait that long was a different story, repressed as he already was.) "I don't want you to be nervous. I don't mind talking about it and, well, I think you'll like doing it—doing everything—when you're ready." He grinned and moved in close to press kisses to Finn's cheeks and neck, and came up with a wicked smile, trying to lighten the mood: "So you get curious about orgasm and masturbation when I wrestle and pin you, hm? _Interesting_..." he said, impossibly delighted.

"I thought I shouldn't that first time," Finn answered, relief that they'd successfully managed that very awkward conversation making him a little giddy. "That's why I kept wanting to go another round! I was trying to distract myself." In retrospect, that had been a terrible plan—or a really great one—because of course Poe had won again—and then pinning Poe was also fun. It wasn't like he hadn't enjoyed it...a lot. “Wait, should I not have been?”

Poe laughed and kissed him. "No, you definitely should. Nothing like a little physical contact to get those feelings going." He said. "You know I get the same feeling—I do—when I'm sparring with you. Kinda funny, huh? I think it's because you're so hot when you move fast like that," he mused, showering Finn with kisses.

Finn laughed, closing his eyes as his face was peppered with kisses. "Not that fast, if you're still pinning me!" he said. "Makes losing more enjoyable, though," he mused, snuggling down under the covers and inching closer to Poe.

Poe giggled, and he didn't even care how stupid he sounded. "You mean like this?" he asked, playfully clambering up on top of Finn to press him into the mattress as they kissed.

Finn laughed breathlessly, his heart beating hard in his chest when Poe leveraged his body weight to push him snug against the mattress. "Um. Yes," he told him, tipping his chin and raising his head enough to kiss one of Poe's collarbones.

"Good, me too," Poe purred, kissing him slowly and languidly. "I want to take advantage of that." He opened his eyes suddenly and pulled back. "And you let me know when _you_ want to proceed beyond kissing to orgasms. I'll be a perfect gentleman until then." He winked. "Well maybe not _perfect_."

"Okay. Thanks," Finn answered, giving Poe a soft, loving smile. "You make a really good blanket, you know?" he asked, stifling a sleepy yawn. Poe was warm, and this close, if Finn was still and quiet, he could feel his heartbeat against his where their chests touched.

Poe stopped kissing Finn when the younger man yawned. "You shove me off if you get too warm," he said, adjusting pillows so he could sleep like this. "Love you, buddy."


End file.
